I wish I were Patti Stanger.

Coffee shops are good places to learn about body language.

I've been at the Starbucks down the street from my house for four nights in a row, for a total of 25 hours (ish). And despite being incredibly tired of the modernized Christmas songs they're already writing, and the constant droll of sorority girls giggling in and out of the store, it's been a good work environment for the pre-finals finals week.

One thing I've noticed is that coffee shops are good places for first dates. I sit in a corner table, and there's some comfortable chairs right in front of me that I've seen 3 uncomfortable dating experiences in - the first was a tight-fisted interview type of date, the second two "artists" who talked a lot about "the essence of the show," and "just moving to New York to see where the universe takes me," but little about what they actually meant to say. And the third where they said little, and left after 20 minutes of painful questioning and one-word responses.

Today, though, I saw a girl walk in with a boy, and though I looked up for a fourth of a second, I immediately saw, in the way she held her body, how hopelessly into him she was. Not love, and she didn't know if her feelings were necessarily returned, but the way her eyes turned up to him and she nervously tugged at her hair told me she had a definite crush.

So if it's this obvious to me, why can't boys get it? It took a fourth of a second, a quick look. And boys study us for what I'm assuming is slightly longer than that.

For example, there's a cute boy in a brown sweater directly behind me, and I've been sending him looks that he can't possibly misinterpret, but his eyes are staying glossily unknowing.

Here is a handy guide:

• Giggling means we really like what you just said but can't think of a similarly witty quip.
• Aforementioned hair tugging means look at my shiny locks. I did this for you, idiot.
• Any "You're so tall, muscular, larger in any way and can protect me from the rampant muggers here in Boulder County" references are always a good thing. But do not under any circumstances insinuate that we cannot handle said muggers. We will do something reckless to prove you wrong. (This one may just be me - I have a history of trying to show how "independent" I am, by walking away from campsites and bars and off onto my own into wilderness/Pearl on various occasions. (Oh, and if that happens, you better follow.))
• My personal brand of flirting involves a lot of antagonizing - calling attention to your flaws. Now, I realize this may seem backwards to most of you, but hear me out. I think I mentioned before that I like assholes. These guys are used to being cooed over by skinny sorority types, and calling one of these guys on his bullshit is refreshing? I think? I only know the girl side of things.

So I hope that was as unhelpful for you to read as it was for me to write. I guess it's really only a guide to me. But if you want to know if a girl likes you, I can figure that out. Super helpful for my life, but maybe for yours.