Does anyone know what I'm doing?

I just re-read the account my high school newspaper advisor wrote about starting a newspaper with 10 ill-prepared freshmen and sophomores (I still pronounce that word soph-o-mores, as he did all the time, to avoid spelling mistakes) and I realized I have no idea what I want to do.

In it, he describes me as the kind of girl who has probably never missed a deadline in her life, a stable, dependable reporter, and while all that could feasibly be applied to my description now, I don't want to be the Hermione Granger of the newspaper for my entire life.

Yes, I talk in class, yes I am obnoxiously over-prepared for every interview -- or more, every conversation -- that I have, yes, I wanted to be Hermione for a large portion of my life, but she knew what she wanted.

I had a conversation with the Features editor the other day, and he asked what specifically I like about features. (Which, to quote Jennifer in that account, "I don't even know what a feature is!") I replied with a purposely vague,

"Well, I like profiles. And I like the longer, follow-you-around-type stories. You know, more novelistic writing than anything."

And he said: "We don't really...do that. We do arts and entertainment, and as an intern it'd probably be more of covering events - quick briefs."

Okay, so I wasn't expecting to write the Pulitzer as an intern, I'm not crazy. But if features isn't where that kind of writing, where can I take my Hermione-style self to write the things I want? Or at least to travel in that direction?

Is there anywhere in this digital future of journalism where there's actual writing?

I wish I were Patti Stanger.

Coffee shops are good places to learn about body language.

I've been at the Starbucks down the street from my house for four nights in a row, for a total of 25 hours (ish). And despite being incredibly tired of the modernized Christmas songs they're already writing, and the constant droll of sorority girls giggling in and out of the store, it's been a good work environment for the pre-finals finals week.

One thing I've noticed is that coffee shops are good places for first dates. I sit in a corner table, and there's some comfortable chairs right in front of me that I've seen 3 uncomfortable dating experiences in - the first was a tight-fisted interview type of date, the second two "artists" who talked a lot about "the essence of the show," and "just moving to New York to see where the universe takes me," but little about what they actually meant to say. And the third where they said little, and left after 20 minutes of painful questioning and one-word responses.

Today, though, I saw a girl walk in with a boy, and though I looked up for a fourth of a second, I immediately saw, in the way she held her body, how hopelessly into him she was. Not love, and she didn't know if her feelings were necessarily returned, but the way her eyes turned up to him and she nervously tugged at her hair told me she had a definite crush.

So if it's this obvious to me, why can't boys get it? It took a fourth of a second, a quick look. And boys study us for what I'm assuming is slightly longer than that.

For example, there's a cute boy in a brown sweater directly behind me, and I've been sending him looks that he can't possibly misinterpret, but his eyes are staying glossily unknowing.

Here is a handy guide:

• Giggling means we really like what you just said but can't think of a similarly witty quip.
• Aforementioned hair tugging means look at my shiny locks. I did this for you, idiot.
• Any "You're so tall, muscular, larger in any way and can protect me from the rampant muggers here in Boulder County" references are always a good thing. But do not under any circumstances insinuate that we cannot handle said muggers. We will do something reckless to prove you wrong. (This one may just be me - I have a history of trying to show how "independent" I am, by walking away from campsites and bars and off onto my own into wilderness/Pearl on various occasions. (Oh, and if that happens, you better follow.))
• My personal brand of flirting involves a lot of antagonizing - calling attention to your flaws. Now, I realize this may seem backwards to most of you, but hear me out. I think I mentioned before that I like assholes. These guys are used to being cooed over by skinny sorority types, and calling one of these guys on his bullshit is refreshing? I think? I only know the girl side of things.

So I hope that was as unhelpful for you to read as it was for me to write. I guess it's really only a guide to me. But if you want to know if a girl likes you, I can figure that out. Super helpful for my life, but maybe for yours.

To go forth.

Every day, I seem to go back and forth about what I want to do. Typical college student stuff. But as a journalism student at CU, I've been leaning toward the negative side quite a bit more than I used to.

If our own administrators and teachers don't believe in the school, why am I in it? Sure, we're being allowed to finish our degrees, but is that the same as having something valuable that will get us jobs when we graduate? It doesn't look like it. Not that I don't think revamping the j-school is a bad idea. I think it's a good one. It just leaves me - and other students halfway (or more) through a degree - in a strange spot.

The good news is that today, I'm going forth. Not in a Levi jeans (Yes, I'm also an English major, I know it's actually a Walt Whitman kind of way. I'm trying to connect to people my own age.) kind of way, but as in, I want to actually be a journalist today. We had the editor of the Boulder Weekly, Pamela White, come to talk to us in Reporting 2, and she was inspiring, to say the least.

An investigative reporter, White has written stories that initiated a bill passing that prevented imprisoned women from being shackled while in labor, that got her pushed up against a wall during an interview, and that ousted the President of CU.

But what got to me more?

She still cares.

Her eyes watered up when she started talking about the team she worked with on the story that got John Boechner out of the presidency. She quickly named details about each reporter she mentioned (location, paper, kids). She was passionate about truth and justice.

I've been thinking, lately, that journalists are a bunch of sellouts. That the continuous pressure to evolve and become monetized has overshadowed what journalism is: a search for truth. For truths that are bigger than advertisers, truths that bring down a corrupt politician or help up a struggling Samaritan.

To strengthen the weak and weaken the strong.

That's what we're here for.

Tomorrow I've got an interview at the Daily Camera. I'm glad that today, I was reaffirmed about what it meant to be a journalist, because now, when I'm asked the question, I can legitimately answer that I'm excited about the future of journalism, and about my future in journalism.

Update: Just got done with my interview at the Camera. Looks like I'll be sports interning there in the spring. :)