1) There MAY BE one of you who reads this. May be. I don't even count on one person. (And yes, that's not supposed to say maybe, it says may be. It's kind of tripping me out also.)
2) This post is going to be super personal and life-changing and everyone who does read it (read: one of you) is going to be like, whoa, I don't need to ever read a blog again because that was just, that was it.
Okay, so for the first part of this post, I want you all to read this:
Just getting you in the mood.
Now. On to bigger things.
I've stopped drinking in the party sort of sense. This I'm sure will change as my 21st birthday draws ever closer, and the ritual of drinking/vomiting uncontrollably is one you have to go through, but as it is, since I've been back in B-town, I've had one night where I really drank. And I felt really uncomfortable.
People talk about drinking like it's something they're proud of. Like, "Oh god you guys I got so wasted I totally fucked some rando. HA! How funny is that?!" And I've had those exchanges with my friends, every once in a while. But the thing is, it's not really pride that's making you sound so proud. It's that you're scared about what really did happen, and what you said and what you did and you're trying to make it sound like you're really not ashamed when you are so ashamed you can barely stand it. That somehow by not saying, "I got really out of control. That scared me," you're making it bearable because actually admitting that you're scared makes you more ashamed.
I hate that. I don't like feeling out of control anyway, but this in particular bugs me, because it's become such a part of college culture. I think I could be happy never drinking again (maybe a glass of wine every so often), but I would become a pariah in this environment. I've been teased so much for not going out lately that sometimes I just get the urge to toss a shot in my mouth and be like, okay, not going to remember tonight. But I haven't, yet, and I think that's because I'm very much aware of my alcoholic tendencies and very scared for what that could do to my life. Every so often, I feel this urge to drink not for fun but because I need t0 - and that's not something I'm willing to give in to. (Though I have, don't get me wrong.)
Boulder is a beautiful, beautiful place full of really smart people who have a lot to say. That's one of the reasons I came here. But somehow, while I was trying to come to college and get enlightened, I got mixed up in COLLEGE LIFE and everything that falls under that label. I'm taking this place, and all the different viewpoints (I don't mean politically, as that is actually quite restricted, which I'm okay with) it offers for granted.
And while we're on the subject of the kind of people that say, "Oh my god, so wasted, blaaaghhh," that's the second thing I wanted to talk about. I started working at the Boulder Weekly, and I love it. Despite the fact that I smell like some sort of hippie scent that I can't quite figure out (I've seriously been looking around for a candle or something - I don't know what it is and it's so cloying that I can taste it now, and it's been five hours since I left), it's a super fantastic spot for me. Not only do I get to spend all day talking to people about things they're passionate about, while I'm sitting there typing away, people in the office will call out various funny or upsetting things that then ACTUALLY GET DISCUSSED. Not joking. This is such a different environment for me. I am so used to any actual thought getting beaten out of my head by girls and guys who look at me like I'm a crazy person that I actually think I got dumber.
All of this partying and drinking and thinking of the stupidest kinds of innuendo and I got SO DUMB. I thought I was smart, and above all of it, at first. And then at some point, I lost my capacity for thought. So between the Weekly, and various people I've been trying to align myself with that actually have things to say about topics (Is that a Mean Girls reference I don't know I'm making? HEY, ONE BLOG READER. What is that a reference to?), I'm regaining that. I can actually say something intelligent without the guy I'm trying to bone/trying to bone me looking at me like he is an actual bone. Like, you know how people use the expression boneheaded? I'm finally getting it now. It's like looking at a skeleton but instead of scary it's just boring.
These are the worst metaphors I've ever written, but I think you get the picture. And maybe a chuckle because the best blog in the world definitely couldn't be written without a few chuckles.
I have to pause for a second here. I realize this sounds pretentious. I'm not trying to say I'm so much smarter and better than anyone, because I know I'm not. Everyone here IS smart and has something to say. The fact that everyone, all of these smart people, are being consistently ground down to the point where all we can say is "bro," and "obvi," (and not even in an ironic way). And I'm not trying to be so hipster (that's italicized because I'm saying it in my head in a sooo hipster kind of voice) because that's where the pretention comes in, where people really do think they're better and more unique than everyone because they dress and act differently, but come on guys, you still gather at the Downer and get blackoutdrunk and it's FUN and I get that, but, god.
We have to do something about the place where we live. Seriously, something has to be done. I threatened to quit America today.
This is getting so tangential (and not because of all the parentheticals I use, because I know that's obnoxious and this is becoming some sort of paradox - parentheticals and parentheticals and parentheticals). This wasn't my intention. I need to make some sort of outline when I set out to write the best blog post because I swear, I had SO MANY THINGS TO SAY.
But I don't even mind that this is is distracted and all over the place because I absolutely love the fact that I have so many things to say that I can't fit them all in one piece. I love it. I want my head to be buzzing like this forever, and I hope I keep finding ways to do that, so I don't forget myself ever again.
P.S. So, maybe not the best thing you've ever read. But I can always try again. And I love that too.
P.P.S. If you didn't go hit that link, you absolutely should. It's the kind of thing I think in my head but not so eloquently and you'll like it.
Hello! Am I the one blog reader? :D <3
ReplyDelete:p I'm subscribed to you on my RSS reader. Ever since your first post. D'aw!
Anyways, I totally get what you mean, and I don't think I've been....drunk drunk for like two years now. Even though partycollegeculture is the same here as in the US - everyone comes into class saying they just got off the bus from whatever they had been doing all night.
It's stupid that the subversive behavior of breaking free and gettingtrashed and wild in college is THE ONLY THING people at college can talk about. It's really frustrating, and, you know, it would be fine if people could balance their intellects with their drinking habits, go out and get trashed every Friday night, but the main extent of it is sitting and talking about stupid shit with your friends and running down the stairs to see if you can beat the tide of the river and stuff - not having it actually be okay to not have your friends stop you from doing things that make you feel ashamed and embarrassed and to fuck with you and to have it be some culture where you can't remember the names of all the notches on the bedpost.
REally, I'm just rambling around the point, which is: I feel ya, sister.
<3 Gillian